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A Mama’s Heart

29 Sep

Me and my Boys

I saw a baby boy today. He was about 9 months old. I watched as he smiled and toddled around, so curious about everything around him. I couldn’t help but Smile and play peek-a-boo. I know better then to do this, because it always takes me back to when my boys were babies like that. Then I start feeling so sad that they are gone. I miss them so much.  Sometimes at night I have dreams where they are little and I am holding them. One will toddle up and plop into my lap, I will hold him close and breathe him in. It all feels so real as we play and giggle and then I hear myself say “oh I have missed you so much, I am so glad you are back, where have you been?” Then I remember that they grew up. The painful reality hits so suddenly that it wakes me up. I feel the loss and sadness all day. I tell myself to stop grieving, after all they didn’t die they just grew up! To prove my point I reach for the phone to call my youngest Baby (Brandon). He does not answer his phone. No Surprise there, as he never answers his phone! It’s the answering machine… Uh-Oh… I need to think of an excuse for calling… one that’s not lame…one that might actually make him want to call me back! Sigh… too late, times up, there’s the beep. I quickly rattle off something about his mama missing him and hang up. “Great!” I sigh, “Guilt…now he’s not gonna  want to call me back!”  So it’s on to my first borne.   I tell myself  “Don’t blow it!” as I call my eldest baby (Andy)… this time ready with an intelligent excuse for calling to leave on his machine…only he answers! I am so happy and excited to hear his voice, that I forget what I was going to say! But when he says “Hi Mama”, like he is so happy it is me, I realize it doesn’t matter. I tell him I miss him and I can tell by the way he rambles on about the day he has had, giving me lots of juicy details, that he misses me too! My heart swells with pride for the man he has become. And yet, as he talks about his adult life and adult stresses it only reinforces that my Babies are gone. Then, as he says “goodbye I love you Mama”, some how I can’t help but smile, because my adult babies are just as dear to me. Just then the phone rings, I look at the caller I.D. ….YES!! It’s my youngest baby Brandon returning my call! “Hello Boo-Boo bear!” I say with a smile. He answers me with “Hi Mama! You called?” We talk a few minutes and he teases me until I am laughing so hard that I have all but forgotten my sadness. As I hang up with a smile on my face, my heart is filled with love and gratitude for my sweet boys. They may have grown up, but they are still here, making me laugh, making me smile and making my day.

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